Okay, let’s be honest, we all know that villains tend to be endowed with a slightly deeper reservoir of intellect. Naturally, they are always one step ahead, albeit sinister and void of morality. As far back as I can remember, I have always rooted for the bad guys in movies. I remember grinning all through Scar’s “Be Prepared” (don’t judge me). While I could pontificate about the psychology of these villains and analyse their motives, instead, I feel these monologues carry their own weight and whether they are new or old favourites, they will evoke a distinct emotion in you.
7. “Why so serious?” – The Joker (Heath Ledger) | The Dark Knight
You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn’t like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, “Why so serious?” Comes at me with the knife. “WHY SO SERIOUS?” He sticks the blade in my mouth… “Let’s put a smile on that face.” And…
6. “No… Wire… Hangers” – Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) | Mommie Dearest
What’s wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you: no wire hangers EVER?! I work and work ’till I’m half-dead, and I hear people saying, “She’s getting old.” And what do I get? A daughter… who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I give her… as she cares about me. What’s wire hangers doing in this closet? Answer me. I buy you beautiful dresses, and you treat them like they were some dishrag. You do! Three hundred dollar dress on a wire hanger. We’ll see how many you’ve got if they’re hidden somewhere. We’ll see… Get out of that bed… We’re gonna see how many wire hangers you’ve got in your closet. Christina, get out of that bed. You live in the most beautiful house in Brentwood and you don’t care if your clothes are stretched out from wire hangers. And your room looks like some two-dollar-a-week furnished room in some two-bit back street town in Oklahoma. Get up. Clean up this mess.
5. “Where rats hide” – Col. Hans Landa (Christoph Waltz) | Inglourious Basterds
Now, if one were to determine what attribute the German people share with a beast, it would be the cunning and the predatory instinct of a hawk. But if one were to determine what attributes the Jews share with a beast, it would be that of the rat.
Consider for a moment the world a rat lives in. It’s a hostile world, indeed. If a rat were to scamper through your front door, right now, would you greet it with hostility? …
You don’t like them. You don’t really know why you don’t like them. All you know is you find them repulsive. Consequently, a German soldier conducts a search of a house suspected of hiding Jews. Where does the hawk look? He looks in the barn, he looks in the attic, he looks in the cellar, he looks everywhere he would hide…. However, I’m aware what tremendous feats human beings are capable of once they abandon dignity.
4. “Ezekiel 25:17” – Jules Winnfield (Samuel L. Jackson) | Pulp fiction
There’s a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. Now… I been saying that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, that meant your ass. You’d be dead right now. I never gave much thought to what it meant. I just thought it was a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherf*cker before I popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this morning made me think twice. See, now I’m thinking: maybe it means you’re the evil man. And I’m the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here… he’s the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could mean you’re the righteous man and I’m the shepherd and it’s the world that’s evil and selfish. And I’d like that. But that shit ain’t the truth. The truth is you’re the weak. And I’m the tyranny of evil men. But I’m trying, Ringo. I’m trying real hard to be the shepherd.
3. “Absentee Landlord” – John Milton (Al Pacino) | The Devil’s Advocate
Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He’s a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It’s the goof of all time. Look but don’t touch. Touch, but don’t taste. Taste, don’t swallow… And while you’re jumping from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He’s laughing His sick, f*cking ass off! He’s a tight-ass! He’s a sadist! He’s an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!
2. “King Kong ain’t got shit on me” – Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington) | Training Day
Aww, you motherf*ckers. Okay. Alright. I’m putting cases on all you bitches. Huh. You think you can do this shit… Jake. You think you can do this to me? You motherf*ckers will be playing basketball in Pelican Bay when I get finished with you. SHU program, nigga. 23hour lock-down. I’m the man up in this piece. You’ll never see the light of… who the f*ck do you think you’re f*cking with? I’m the police, I run shit here. You just live here. Yeah, that’s right, you better walk away. Go on and walk away… ’cause I’m gonna’ burn this motherf*cker down. King Kong ain’t got shit on me! That’s right, that’s right. Shit, I don’t, f*ck. I’m winning anyway, I’m winning… I’m winning any motherf*cking way. I can’t lose. Yeah, you can shoot me, but you can’t kill me.
1. “I drink your milkshake!” – Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) | There Will Be Blood
Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You’re just the afterbirth, Eli. You slithered out of your mother’s filth. They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantle-piece… Where were you when Paul was suckling at his mother’s teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli? One of Bandy’s sows? That land has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It’s gone. It’s had.
Draaaaaainage!!! Drainage, Eli, you BOY! Drained dry. I’m so sorry…. Here, if you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake, and I have a straw. There it is, that’s a straw, you see? Watch it. Now, my straw reaches acroooooooss the room and starts to drink your milkshake. I… drink… your… milkshake! I drink it up!….
Did you think your song and dance and your superstition would help you, Eli?
I am the Third Revelation! … I am who the Lord has chosen!